Bruised ego....

I don't know why I am feeling this way today. I want to say I am a little depressed because the girls I like are not calling me back, but I think it is more than that. I think I have a bruised ego. I sit here sometimes and think about what I did or what I said - did I do something wrong, did I call too soon, or not soon enough - Did I call too often or not enough times. I think the not knowing part is what kills me. It's like going to an interview and thinking that was an awesome interview, I think they liked me and then never hearing from them about the job. Sometimes feedback is so important and necessary. At least in a job situation you can call the employer and ask - but calling the girl - well that's a tad bit stalkish don't you think. It's just that I'd like to know. I mean I think I can handle it - someone telling me "Well I'm just not into you" - Ha! I think I can handle it, but who in their right mind would be that honest and for that matter be that forthright. I would hope that I would. I have had several girls tell me that they were interested or had crushes on me and I have been straight forward and said thanks and that I am flattered, but I didn't feel the same way. They still want to hang out and be friends. That's good old honesty for you. Women I think suck at it. They don't want to hurt peoples feelings. But don't you think not saying anything is more hurtful....I'm just saying.

Girls are just afraid of me...

So I made the call...on Thursday - it is now Sunday - no call back. I am starting to get depressed a little. Am I too intimidating. I think I'm cute and smart and fun. Why would you not call back?? Oh well. Christmas is around the corner and I am off for 2 weeks. Yippee! I am going to continue to go out and meet new people. I guess I just haven't met the right one. It's interesting...I think about scarf and I wonder - did I read the signals incorrectly...I mean she seemed interested...Yeah I haven't heard from her either. I really am not interested in getting married - I just want to go out on a date...is that so wrong? I have to write this out, I have to put it out to the world and hope the universe hears me. I cannot take any of this personally - I mean scarf girls grandfather could not be doing well...Vickie could be totally scared to call me because she's never been with a woman before and I scared the bejesus out of her by fooling around. I mean I could rationalize all of this and be perfectly fine, but that would mean I would have nothing to be depressed about. Ok - out to the UNIVERSE...I want to meet someone, hear from someone and go out on ONE date before Dec. 31, 2008!

Too good to be true...

I knew in the back of my mind that my date would not happen. i don't know why but it just seemed to good to be true. I also think my Swamiji is watching out for me...I figure I like this girl, but I need to not be involved just yet. Maybe in time. She texted me an hour before I was suppose to pick her up saying that she had to go to Long Beach to see her grandfather who was in the hospital...I said no problem of course...I mean what else are you going to say right? That's a pretty strong reason to not go on a date - she could have just called and said "you know I am just not interested" if she didn't want to go out..... I guess I was a little disappointed but I moved on quickly. That evening I met another woman named Vickie. Once again I am at a birthday party and this woman gets intoxicated and I end up taking care of her. I think birthdays and women are seemingly going hand in hand. No more birthday parties til next year - so I will just try to focus on this last gal. I got her number that night but I haven't called her yet. I'm a little hesitant cause I don't know if she really remembers anything from that evening. We fooled around a bit and I think she might be embarrassed. I guess I'll never know unless I call.

So I have a date now....

So I called scarf girl on Sunday afternoon. I didn't know if it was too soon or what but I went ahead and did it. So she called me back today. We have a date for Friday night. Yippee!

Many things have happened since....

So I got a chance to see the girl again...we will refer to her as "scarf" girl. I went dancing this last Saturday and had a great time. I went with friends and she had called earlier to tell me that she too would be there. I got her to promise me at least one dance. She agreed. I got there earlier to meet up with some friends. Ran into people I didn't expect to see, saw some friends I hadn't seen in years and just started loosening up and having so much fun dancing. My friend Rosie likes to dance and is a really good dancer, I know I can always find her on the dance floor. Scarf girl came about an hour and a half later. She happened to be standing in front of me at the bar. At first I did not recognize her. Her hair - the two times I have seen her- is curly - like cork screw curly -this chick had straight hair. So I didn't think much of it and just continued to talk with my pals. Then she turned around and then I was oh crapola - she was looking mighty fine....straight hair and ALL! I said hi - gave her a hug, introduced her to my friends and then headed back out to the patio. I figured I'd give her some time to drink and loosen up - I had already been there for an hour. So I waited and waited....and waited (mind you I was dancing and drinking - but waiting) Then I asked her to dance. Crap - she hates salsa...says her hips don't move that way so I said ok next time. So I walk away and she says I will come find you when I want to dance. Ok - I'm good with that....well apparently she did come looking for me but I was no where to be found. She finally found me on the dance floor and we danced. OMG - she's a good little dancer and we were dancing up real close. It was very nice. We danced a few songs and then she went back to her friends. So my friends of course start to tease me. Not sure why, except that they have never seen me single. And now they think it's funny to watch me. Whatever floats your boat I guess. So the dance was coming to an end and there was one more song to play and I searched the dance club for her and found her. We danced the last song. I asked her if I could go out with her sometime and she said yes ... as the song came to an end, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. And that's the end of that story.....

I think I hate it...

Dating that is...It's so freaking complicated and scary. Like - what should I do now, is it too soon to call her, what should I wear, Does she like me....??? And on and on and on. Then you call her or text her then you wait. Waiting is what I think kills me the most. And then all the thoughts and panic come in. At what point am I going to realize that I am the most awesome person and that knowing me and dating me is the most excting thing in the world. Oh how I wish someday to believe it....I mean truly believe it. I know it in my head - but my heart ---ooh well that would just be so arrogant of me...huh?

Dating...

What does that mean - really? And why can't we just be friends...So this weekend I had the opportunity to meet up with a girl I met a few days ago. The circumstances of meeting her were that was a friend of a friend and I ended up taking care of her when she got sick. I took her home, made sure she was ok and it just so happened she left her scarf in my truck. So I had to get it back to her right...ahh if only to see her again. Well, it's a wool scarf...how the hell do you wash a wool scarf??? Calling on my knitter friend Rachael, she helped me out...and let me tell you it worked out perfectly. Washed the scarf...didn't smell like throw up anymore...thank goodness, met up with the girl at brunch on Sunday and had a really nice time. Do I want to date her - Yes. Do I think she's interested...I have no freakin' clue. This is the part I hate. There were no clues...like she wasn't overtly interested...however she was NOT NOT interested I think. I am over analyzing this...I will write more later when I have processed the weekend. Ciao for now~!

I met a girl....

Ok, so i have gone out a few times in the past 2 months...ok a few times is a bit of a lie, I would say I have gone out quite a bit. Always with the intention of meeting new people. I used to be super shy and quiet and I have found a new strength. I like to go out by myself and talk to random people. I know I know - weird, but it makes me feel good. I think it's because there are so many people out there that have preconceived ideas about who you are, based on how your dressed, what you look like, how you talk, what shoes you wear, that I am finding this process to be a bit fascinating. I am also finding the fact that I am not afraid to out and do things I've never done, or go to a club or bar by myself and talk to people. I blame my friend Karin for that. She's a good instigator...she says just do it, you have nothing to lose. i think I have adopted that philosophy. It really is your loss that you don't know me nor do you want to get to know me. There I said it - I am awesome. Once again, feeling good about myself. Yeah so about the title, I met this girl last night at Mecca. Nothing really hit me til I started talking to her - she proceeded to get drunk and sick and I had to take her home, but there was something about her that I liked. I would like to see her again, if the Swamiji thinks I am ready of course. Will call for that in my next prayer... :)

Some people...

Are just mean. Do you really think that pointing out peoples downfalls makes you look good?? I hate people today. Some of them are jerks!

One step forward...

6 steps back. i was feeling pretty good yesterday and then last night I screwed it all up. I made a mistake...I am human. I went to the ex's house and saw that she had a new girlfriend. Well of course I had to confront her about it so I knocked on the door. She wasn't very happy to see me...shocking. Well things ended up that she had to call the cops...who knew I was such a stalker. I mean I know I have the ability to be psycho, but did I really think that I would do something crazy. The mind can get to so nutz. Why is that? I think because no matter how much time and distractions have a occurred the pain is still there. That's the worst part of it all. It's not like I want to be with her again, or that we had even a decent relationship - it was just that we had a long one and it's hard to let go of that. I always thought that I'd rather be in a bad unhappy relationship than be alone. That's not very healthy. What can I bring to my next relationship --this same philosophy?? Well I really do need to work on that. That's what the weekly therapy is for right?? Someday my princess will come and I will be ready!

Wow - It's been a while!

So many things have happened...well not really "happened" but time has gone by. I am loving my life - who knew that 65 days ago I would feel good about myself, my life and my future. I was so scared and hurt that the idea of it was just unfathomable. Time really does heal all wounds. I still think of my ex fondly. She helped me become a better person than I was. I am also a US citizen today because of her. I voted for the first time in my life for the President of the United States of America. We have a black president. That is huge. Prop 8 passed - that's too bad. I am a lesbian and I do hope to someday get married - so this idea of creating an amendment to the Constitution is ridiculous. I cannot believe people are so ignorant. And I - of all the people I know - am the least political. I just don't think the Constitution was created to take rights away. With all this going on when have I had time to sulk over a lost relationship - HA! Time and distraction have been a blessing.

And the days go on.....

Time seems to be the healer of all wounds. Why is that? Is it that the longer the days go - the less pain you feel? And so by definition the wounds have healed? Well I guess so - most cuts and scrapes do heal in time and I guess the heart is the same. We get away from the pain and the heart starts to heal. It is so clear to me to see that the closer you are in a situation and the longer you stay in one, there is absolutely no healing. There is just no time. The pain is constant - why do we stay? Is it that I am taught that pain and suffering "with" someone is better than happiness "without"? Sure does suck. Well all I can say is that life sucks and pain is part of it and as the title says Life goes on!

Me and my life!

I've titlted this blog because I have got ot move on. Have you ever just been stuck in a place of pain and suffering? I have been in it for about a month. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years. So painful. At 40 you think your life is set...and in my case set - not happy - just set. Had a place to live, had some pets, had a decent job and had someone in my life. Looking at the bigger picture who cares if I liked the apartment but longed to live in SF, who cares if I had a cat that is autistic and I barely got any sleep at night, and who cares if I had someone in my life that had stopped caring about me and cheated on me long before the breakup. Right? Why is longevity so important - is quality better than quantity?? My parents are celebrating their 50th anniversay - where did I learn that being together no matter what was more important than being happy? Who knew? Then again I sometimes think that maybe I just don't deserve to be happy. Not too sure where that came from either. Ah - such is life. With breakup comes therapy, work outs and lots of wine. This really (once again) is the first day of the rest of my life!