Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I think I hate it...

Dating that is...It's so freaking complicated and scary. Like - what should I do now, is it too soon to call her, what should I wear, Does she like me....??? And on and on and on. Then you call her or text her then you wait. Waiting is what I think kills me the most. And then all the thoughts and panic come in. At what point am I going to realize that I am the most awesome person and that knowing me and dating me is the most excting thing in the world. Oh how I wish someday to believe it....I mean truly believe it. I know it in my head - but my heart ---ooh well that would just be so arrogant of me...huh?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Dating...

What does that mean - really? And why can't we just be friends...So this weekend I had the opportunity to meet up with a girl I met a few days ago. The circumstances of meeting her were that was a friend of a friend and I ended up taking care of her when she got sick. I took her home, made sure she was ok and it just so happened she left her scarf in my truck. So I had to get it back to her right...ahh if only to see her again. Well, it's a wool scarf...how the hell do you wash a wool scarf??? Calling on my knitter friend Rachael, she helped me out...and let me tell you it worked out perfectly. Washed the scarf...didn't smell like throw up anymore...thank goodness, met up with the girl at brunch on Sunday and had a really nice time. Do I want to date her - Yes. Do I think she's interested...I have no freakin' clue. This is the part I hate. There were no clues...like she wasn't overtly interested...however she was NOT NOT interested I think. I am over analyzing this...I will write more later when I have processed the weekend. Ciao for now~!

Friday, November 21, 2008

I met a girl....

Ok, so i have gone out a few times in the past 2 months...ok a few times is a bit of a lie, I would say I have gone out quite a bit. Always with the intention of meeting new people. I used to be super shy and quiet and I have found a new strength. I like to go out by myself and talk to random people. I know I know - weird, but it makes me feel good. I think it's because there are so many people out there that have preconceived ideas about who you are, based on how your dressed, what you look like, how you talk, what shoes you wear, that I am finding this process to be a bit fascinating. I am also finding the fact that I am not afraid to out and do things I've never done, or go to a club or bar by myself and talk to people. I blame my friend Karin for that. She's a good instigator...she says just do it, you have nothing to lose. i think I have adopted that philosophy. It really is your loss that you don't know me nor do you want to get to know me. There I said it - I am awesome. Once again, feeling good about myself. Yeah so about the title, I met this girl last night at Mecca. Nothing really hit me til I started talking to her - she proceeded to get drunk and sick and I had to take her home, but there was something about her that I liked. I would like to see her again, if the Swamiji thinks I am ready of course. Will call for that in my next prayer... :)

Friday, November 14, 2008

Some people...

Are just mean. Do you really think that pointing out peoples downfalls makes you look good?? I hate people today. Some of them are jerks!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

One step forward...

6 steps back. i was feeling pretty good yesterday and then last night I screwed it all up. I made a mistake...I am human. I went to the ex's house and saw that she had a new girlfriend. Well of course I had to confront her about it so I knocked on the door. She wasn't very happy to see me...shocking. Well things ended up that she had to call the cops...who knew I was such a stalker. I mean I know I have the ability to be psycho, but did I really think that I would do something crazy. The mind can get to so nutz. Why is that? I think because no matter how much time and distractions have a occurred the pain is still there. That's the worst part of it all. It's not like I want to be with her again, or that we had even a decent relationship - it was just that we had a long one and it's hard to let go of that. I always thought that I'd rather be in a bad unhappy relationship than be alone. That's not very healthy. What can I bring to my next relationship --this same philosophy?? Well I really do need to work on that. That's what the weekly therapy is for right?? Someday my princess will come and I will be ready!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wow - It's been a while!

So many things have happened...well not really "happened" but time has gone by. I am loving my life - who knew that 65 days ago I would feel good about myself, my life and my future. I was so scared and hurt that the idea of it was just unfathomable. Time really does heal all wounds. I still think of my ex fondly. She helped me become a better person than I was. I am also a US citizen today because of her. I voted for the first time in my life for the President of the United States of America. We have a black president. That is huge. Prop 8 passed - that's too bad. I am a lesbian and I do hope to someday get married - so this idea of creating an amendment to the Constitution is ridiculous. I cannot believe people are so ignorant. And I - of all the people I know - am the least political. I just don't think the Constitution was created to take rights away. With all this going on when have I had time to sulk over a lost relationship - HA! Time and distraction have been a blessing.