Some things you cannot remove from your memory...

I don't know why I even look. Most of the time I wish I hadn't...the image emblazoned into my brain. The words graphically placed on the screen in front of me that I cannot erase. It's my own fault, I shouldn't have looked. The better question is why did I look...am I that insecure -- well I guess I am. What is wrong with me...I need to get a hold of myself...I may go leaping into a bout of depression...Ugh!

Bruised ego....

I don't know why I am feeling this way today. I want to say I am a little depressed because the girls I like are not calling me back, but I think it is more than that. I think I have a bruised ego. I sit here sometimes and think about what I did or what I said - did I do something wrong, did I call too soon, or not soon enough - Did I call too often or not enough times. I think the not knowing part is what kills me. It's like going to an interview and thinking that was an awesome interview, I think they liked me and then never hearing from them about the job. Sometimes feedback is so important and necessary. At least in a job situation you can call the employer and ask - but calling the girl - well that's a tad bit stalkish don't you think. It's just that I'd like to know. I mean I think I can handle it - someone telling me "Well I'm just not into you" - Ha! I think I can handle it, but who in their right mind would be that honest and for that matter be that forthright. I would hope that I would. I have had several girls tell me that they were interested or had crushes on me and I have been straight forward and said thanks and that I am flattered, but I didn't feel the same way. They still want to hang out and be friends. That's good old honesty for you. Women I think suck at it. They don't want to hurt peoples feelings. But don't you think not saying anything is more hurtful....I'm just saying.

Girls are just afraid of me...

So I made the call...on Thursday - it is now Sunday - no call back. I am starting to get depressed a little. Am I too intimidating. I think I'm cute and smart and fun. Why would you not call back?? Oh well. Christmas is around the corner and I am off for 2 weeks. Yippee! I am going to continue to go out and meet new people. I guess I just haven't met the right one. It's interesting...I think about scarf and I wonder - did I read the signals incorrectly...I mean she seemed interested...Yeah I haven't heard from her either. I really am not interested in getting married - I just want to go out on a date...is that so wrong? I have to write this out, I have to put it out to the world and hope the universe hears me. I cannot take any of this personally - I mean scarf girls grandfather could not be doing well...Vickie could be totally scared to call me because she's never been with a woman before and I scared the bejesus out of her by fooling around. I mean I could rationalize all of this and be perfectly fine, but that would mean I would have nothing to be depressed about. Ok - out to the UNIVERSE...I want to meet someone, hear from someone and go out on ONE date before Dec. 31, 2008!

Too good to be true...

I knew in the back of my mind that my date would not happen. i don't know why but it just seemed to good to be true. I also think my Swamiji is watching out for me...I figure I like this girl, but I need to not be involved just yet. Maybe in time. She texted me an hour before I was suppose to pick her up saying that she had to go to Long Beach to see her grandfather who was in the hospital...I said no problem of course...I mean what else are you going to say right? That's a pretty strong reason to not go on a date - she could have just called and said "you know I am just not interested" if she didn't want to go out..... I guess I was a little disappointed but I moved on quickly. That evening I met another woman named Vickie. Once again I am at a birthday party and this woman gets intoxicated and I end up taking care of her. I think birthdays and women are seemingly going hand in hand. No more birthday parties til next year - so I will just try to focus on this last gal. I got her number that night but I haven't called her yet. I'm a little hesitant cause I don't know if she really remembers anything from that evening. We fooled around a bit and I think she might be embarrassed. I guess I'll never know unless I call.

So I have a date now....

So I called scarf girl on Sunday afternoon. I didn't know if it was too soon or what but I went ahead and did it. So she called me back today. We have a date for Friday night. Yippee!

Many things have happened since....

So I got a chance to see the girl again...we will refer to her as "scarf" girl. I went dancing this last Saturday and had a great time. I went with friends and she had called earlier to tell me that she too would be there. I got her to promise me at least one dance. She agreed. I got there earlier to meet up with some friends. Ran into people I didn't expect to see, saw some friends I hadn't seen in years and just started loosening up and having so much fun dancing. My friend Rosie likes to dance and is a really good dancer, I know I can always find her on the dance floor. Scarf girl came about an hour and a half later. She happened to be standing in front of me at the bar. At first I did not recognize her. Her hair - the two times I have seen her- is curly - like cork screw curly -this chick had straight hair. So I didn't think much of it and just continued to talk with my pals. Then she turned around and then I was oh crapola - she was looking mighty fine....straight hair and ALL! I said hi - gave her a hug, introduced her to my friends and then headed back out to the patio. I figured I'd give her some time to drink and loosen up - I had already been there for an hour. So I waited and waited....and waited (mind you I was dancing and drinking - but waiting) Then I asked her to dance. Crap - she hates salsa...says her hips don't move that way so I said ok next time. So I walk away and she says I will come find you when I want to dance. Ok - I'm good with that....well apparently she did come looking for me but I was no where to be found. She finally found me on the dance floor and we danced. OMG - she's a good little dancer and we were dancing up real close. It was very nice. We danced a few songs and then she went back to her friends. So my friends of course start to tease me. Not sure why, except that they have never seen me single. And now they think it's funny to watch me. Whatever floats your boat I guess. So the dance was coming to an end and there was one more song to play and I searched the dance club for her and found her. We danced the last song. I asked her if I could go out with her sometime and she said yes ... as the song came to an end, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. And that's the end of that story.....

I think I hate it...

Dating that is...It's so freaking complicated and scary. Like - what should I do now, is it too soon to call her, what should I wear, Does she like me....??? And on and on and on. Then you call her or text her then you wait. Waiting is what I think kills me the most. And then all the thoughts and panic come in. At what point am I going to realize that I am the most awesome person and that knowing me and dating me is the most excting thing in the world. Oh how I wish someday to believe it....I mean truly believe it. I know it in my head - but my heart ---ooh well that would just be so arrogant of me...huh?